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Discipline is Children Myth and Reality

All of us, who care for children have a responsibility to guide correct, and socialize our children toward appropriate behaviour’s. The process of discipline involves a series of well-intended efforts by parents and caregivers to inculcate "the art of controlling oneself" If properly learned and consistently practiced, discipline becomes a very important foundation for the growth of children.
It brings self-confidence, the feeling of mastery over life, and positive social experiences for children even after growing as adults. Discipline, by definition, means "to teach'. Discipline also encourages children, guides them, and helps them feel good about themselves.
The root word of discipline “is a disciple person who leads others in the way they should go”. Discipline is not what you do to the child but what you do with and for the child.

In traditional reality, discipline means punishment.

Common MYTHS in disciplining children:

• Discipline means punishment.
• Disciplining children is the school's responsibility.
• The mother has to be blamed if a child misbehaves. Father is very busy.
• Grandparents never understand what is "good" for children.
• Children should never cry or feel unhappy. Costly gifts should be provided to win them back.
• Quiet children are always well-behaved.
• Tomorrow onwards my children will behave well because I have disciplined them today.
• Google advice is available for bringing up children.
• I am the only one, who is in trouble.
• Spare the rod and spoil the child.

For lack of discipline:

The reason could be a physical illness, feeling of rejection or insecurity (A typical "nobody understands me!" expression), extreme hunger or sleep, post-TV boredom and lethargy ("what should 1 do next?" irritation)

• Many times, children simply test the permissible limits of their misbehaviours, and the see what happens if they break the rules.
• On another occasion, the misbehaviour could be an attempt to attract the attention of parents, especially when they are busy talking to the guests, in whose presence, they can misbehave safely because parents can't do any harm.
• Most commonly, children simply COPY the misbehaviours of their parents e.g., shouting, hitting, talking back, etc.

Now Common Parenting styles depending on our mood and priorities, we would be either

• A "cane-wielding ring-master-Authoritative type
• "Leave them alone"-Liberal type
• "Leave me alone"-Avoidant type
• "Sit across the table"- Negotiator type
• Is desired is a good and "time-appropriate" cocktail of these types.

The short-term goal of discipline is to guide everyday behaviour and to protect children from hurting themselves and others, however, the long-term goal should be to bring out a confident, self-disciplined individual, responsible for his/her behaviour, who is relying upon himself and is comfortable and happy about it.

Do and don’t in discipline:

• Acknowledge positive behaviour. Praise them actively even for minor good behaviours. Children (even adults) tend to repeat and improve the behaviour that is positively noticed by others.
• Hold a positive expectation and make children feel responsible and cooperative. The more trust and confidence you place in children, the more they feel worthy of trust and the more trustworthy they become. Never "label" them as bad.
• Use positive statements. Avoid saying "don't" Save "No" or "Don't" for important situations, so the child takes 'No" seriously e.g., instead of saying, "Don't shout" say, "Use your quiet Voice".
• Be fair, firm, and flexible whenever you make a rule. Make the consequences clear if the rule is broken, and most importantly follow them.
• Accept your child's feelings, but reinforce your expectations. Active listening is the key.
• Try to separate the behaviour from the child. We must give unconditional love to our children. It is the misbehaviour that needs correction.
• Make a list of possible misbehaviour that you want to correct but correct only one behaviour at a time.
• Anticipate failure and frustrations, at least initially. Don't give up early. Keep on trying different methods till the desired behaviour is expressed.
• Try to spend a lot of time with children. Let them know that you also talk to them apart from imparting discipline.
• Take action before the situation is out of control. Be a role model for your children. Parents need to improve their behaviour first.

Do and don’t in discipline:

• 1. If I discipline, will he hate me?
• 2. My parents never disciplined me. I am ok, so why should I?
• 3. It is the school that should discipline me, not me.
• 4. He will be all right when he grows up!!

The probable explanations could be multidimensional. The family norms are changing. There are only one / two children per family now, and all parents wish to give the best to their children, there is no other choice. Nobody wants to accept that quite naturally, according to the normal distribution probability curve, every child cannot be at the top. What we are giving to our children is "filtered" parenting (I keep the troubles with me; my children should never face problems). In addition, we have working parents who unnecessarily feel guilty for not giving time to their children, but at the same time want their children to win the ever-increasing competitions, may it be studies, sports, or debating.

Every child and every parent are unique and so is every situation and discipline strategy. All that is needed is unconditional love, a little bit of patience, lots of consistency comfort, and peace with yourself. Disciplining children will soon become a pleasant task. Ultimately, we want our children to come to us, when in doubts and difficulties. That is what parenting means.

- USHA ELANGO